At The Edge Of A Grief Portal

…and the importance of sharing our stories.

Back in July, within the span of a few days, I learned that Isabel and Jacob were going to be saying goodbye to their Simon, our favorite local wet dog food store was going to be closing (they have since reopened under a new format), and a fellow healing practitioner in the twin cities posted a beautiful tribute on the socials to the untimely passing of her kitty.

The only constant in life is change and I never thought I’d be grieving over a dog and kitty I only ever met through the internet, but that’s exactly where I found myself.

New grief, ambiguous grief, anticipatory grief, a long-held-past-but-very-much-alive grief… all grief has a place and needs a space.

I’ve been sitting with the reflection that I’m at the edge of a grief portal myself.

My bestest, goodest boy will be thirteen in December and as walks have slowed down, routines have changed, and I keep counting the new handsomest grey hairs, I know time in the physical realm is finite and I’m savoring every single minute of it.

There’s something about animals in particular that tugs my heart more than other things and I think part of it is what Portia wrote in her tribute to her kitty about how: “Our animal fam teach us so much about love, life, and death. They are all masters. Their love is so simple and direct.”

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And if you don’t follow @simonsits on Instagram, a little backstory: Isabel and her dog Simon were the perfect fostering pair. I first discovered them back in May of this year when the two of them helped rehabilitate the CUTEST dog named Tiki, who was severely shut-down and terrified of everything, but grew into a brave boy with the right amount of love and care. Ever since then, I’ve loved watching them take fosters in and help them find their new forever homes, also with the help of Isabel’s then fiance (now hubs!) Jacob.

Not to go on and on about some strangers on the internet, BUT the thing that moved me the most about this little family was how thoughtful they were about sharing the fostering journey, Simon’s own medical struggles with epilepsy and recent cancer, and how they let all of us viewers in to see how they celebrated Simon’s last days when they realized it was time for the hardest goodbye.

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Since this stretch of days back in July, other friends and family have lost their furry familiars, family members, friends, places,

Witnessing strangers and friends walking their own endings and goodbyes has reaffirmed for me the importance of sharing our stories with each other.

So that when we go through our own heartbreak and hard times, we know we aren’t alone and maybe there’s even a little roadmap of how we might navigate it when we find ourselves there.

Of course, not everyone wants to be as public as Isabel was with her Simon (I’m pretty sure I won’t be posting videos!), but I’m grateful she was. I know her story has impacted how I hold my golden moments with my Moonie.

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So my wish for us, especially this autumn when it’s the season of grief and the veil is thin: let’s keep telling our stories in whichever ways feel inspiring, healing, necessary, sweet. May we keep saying the names of those we’ve loved and lost in order to feel them with us still. May we witness each other’s hearts in this journey of life. May we enjoy it while we are here.

JOURNAL PROMPT:

- with the leaves falling and blooms fading, what are you being called to shed and release?

- where does your body, mind, heart, spirit need more rest and stillness?

- what lessons from summer are you carrying with you into the fall and winter?

- how would your heart like to be nourished this season?

SONG FOR FALL (as the sun is setting earlier every day!): Spotify: Sun In Your Heart by John Pattern & Ram Dass
YouTube: Sun In Your Heart by John Pattern & Ram Dass

Recipe For A Solstice Mini-Retreat

I love this time of year.

Sunday was my half birthday, which also happened to be a new moon, and you know I love a new moon/birthday situash. (Make birthday wishes with the intention-setting time of a new moon? YES PLEASE!)

And this coming Sunday is the Summer Solstice!

While I love both the equinoxes (spring and fall) and solstices (winter and summer), there’s something about the solstices that pulls to me. Maybe because they are a little more dramatic.

Spring and autumn, the sky has a balance of daylight to nighttime, so they are a little more subtle. There’s definitely medicine to be experienced in the subtle and the balanced. But winter and summer, these babies have a little more obvious flair:

• In winter, it’s the longest night of the year - perfect for ultimate cozy vibes, candles, twinkle lights, dreaming, and a dash of hope because the days will now start to get a little longer. 

• In summer, the sun is bright and hot and doesn’t set til after 9pm depending on where you live - perfect for community, blooming, and being outside long past bedtime. 

I love these two so much in fact that I got married under a full winter solstice moon and we threw a party on the following summer solstice because I couldn’t choose between the two (and we celebrate love through the darkness and the light, right?)

(Sparklers work great for celebrating BOTH winter and summer solstices by the way!)

These nature-based times of year feel like great touchstones for us to slow our busy pace and check in with ourselves and our own natural rhythms and cycles. Over the years, these moments have become personal “holidays” I like to take the time to honor because I get to make them my own and they help me feel connected to the larger whole of the earth and the universe.

In case you are interested in acknowledging the official start to summer and the summer solstice, I created a little recipe for a mini-retreat for you. (And if you already have your own traditions around the solstice, I’d love to hear how you make merry!)

Important note!: 

This recipe is not for a baked good. We are not measuring out specific amounts of flour to make sure the chemistry of the baking comes out exactly perfect. 

We are cooking a soup, a goulash (or a hot dish if you're from the upper Midwest haha), a favorite family recipe where there’s a secret ingredient that makes your dish unique and delish (you are the secret ingredient). So there’s room to play, experiment with spices, throw in whatever you happen to have on hand, cut out the flavors you don’t particularly like. 

Summer Solstice Mini-Retreat

Ingredients:

• Candle with lighter/matches

• Journal with pen/doodling supplies

• Cozy, quiet place to laydown or recline

• Playlist

• Earbuds for music (optional)

• Glass of favorite summer beverage (water, sparkling water, tea, lemonade, etc)

• Favorite fresh fruit

• Sacred items or flowers for ambiance (optional)

• Anything else you’d to make this your own

Recipe:

• Take three deep cleansing breaths to begin and to signal to yourself you’re creating a little container of mindfulness and intention

• Light your candle and welcome in the light and heat of the sun for the solstice 

• Prep the playlist and get cozy in your space, either lying down or reclining

• Breathwork practice (18 mins): 

• If you’ve done breathwork with me before, you can use the vigorous active breath technique for the first three songs (with an open mouth, inhale first into the belly, second inhale into the chest, exhale out. Repeat at a pace that feels good for today). On the fourth and last song, you can move to one inhale and one exhale for the rest.

• You are also welcome to do one long slow inhale and one slow exhale throughout the whole playlist, noting the fourth and last song is meant for rest.

• Moving to your journal, jot down any thoughts or intentions that came up for you. If any of these writing prompts resonate, you can noodle on these too:

• What feels good in my life right now? What’s working?

• What am I proud of over the last season? 

• What’s felt really hard or challenging lately?

• How can I support and nourish my inner light in this next season?

• Once you feel complete with your journaling, sip some of your beverage, imagining the fluid hydrating and nourishing all your cells. Savor some fruit, taking time to notice texture, flavor, scent, sweetness.

• Finish your retreat with three deep cleansing breaths, maybe with your hands on your heart. Blow out your candle to close the container. 

Substitutions: 

• Not a fan of breathwork or don’t really want to do it on your own? No problem! Put on the playlist to accompany a movement practice, gentle stretching, or a meditation. Or use it as a soundtrack for your journaling time. 

• Swap out the playlist suggested to your own favorite summer jams.

• The length of cooking or simmering time is adjustable. Only have time to light a candle at your next meal? Great! Focus your mind on the intention of honoring the solstice and there’s your mini-retreat. Have a whole half day where you want to start with a hike and end with a nap in the hammock? Fantastic. 

• WHEN you prepare your mini-retreat is also adaptable. On or near the solstice is great, but if you don’t really have a pocket of time until the July 4th weekend, then is also a great time. 

• Send me a note or tag me in your photos so I can share in your magic with you! xo!

Happy summer friends! I’m really happy you’re here and I’m grateful to do life with you, through all the seasons.

Summer Solstice Mini-Retreat Breathwork Playlist

My Origins As A Basketball Fan

In honor of March Madness wrapping up and the U of M Gopher Women making it to the Sweet Sixteen this year, I want to tell a favorite story about my dad.

The year was 1997 and the Gopher Men made it to the Final Four. It must’ve been Easter weekend, because I remember I needed to be up at church at an unusual time without the rest of my family and had to miss the game - probably singing in the choir or altar serving. Being in the 5th grade, I needed a ride home afterwards and my dad picked me up. When I climbed into the car, I asked how the game went and his response was “you would’ve learned some new words”.

Meaning the Gopher Men lost.

This memory makes me chuckle, because with a few more years of sports fandom under my belt than my younger self, I understand this sentiment in a full-bodied way. I’ve been known to yell “defense!” or “GO IN!” at the ball on the TV in a pivotal moment. 

Recently I was asked if I’ve always been into basketball because of my family or if it’s been a more recent passion of mine. 

And YES, growing up in a basketball family, I’ve always been into it, and also YES, it’s in more recent years when I’ve been following along pretty closely. 

And I love basketball (especially women’s basketball) for a lot of reasons. 

But this year I’m realizing, and why I’m sharing this story: I’m into basketball because it makes me feel close to my dad.

I get a little lump in my throat when I think that thought and I wonder what it would be like to have him here rooting and discussing and analyzing and cursing at the TV together.

He coached me for a bit when I was in grade school before he got sick from cancer and I cherish the memory of driving home from games with him picking apart what happened. I’d be so hyped to play and improve and practice that I told him we needed to talk like that BEFORE games so I had a place to channel all the energy we jazzed up inside me.

I was obsessed with the WNBA when the league started and Cheryl Swoops from the Houston Rockets was my favorite shirt. After playing freshman year in high school, I became one of the statisticians for the girls varsity team and, when one of my brothers played in high school, my sister and I would keep his stats for him from the stands (not sure if that was helpful haha!)

But then there WAS a period of time when I didn’t follow the game: college, post-graduating, when I lived in New York… It wasn't until I moved back home to Minnesota that I returned to the love of being a fan. Thankfully my man gets into it just as much as me and it’s our favorite date to watch games together.

If I have to miss a fun matchup of the teams we like to follow, my first question when I walk in the door is, “who’s winning?” in a very similar fashion to that fateful day of being a heartbroken Minnesota sports fan in 1997.

The next March after that glory run into the Big Dance, my dad was sick with cancer. I don’t remember March Madness in the midst of hospital stays and tests, but I do remember being at a cabin that summer and watching Michael Jordan and the Bulls playing in the 1998 playoffs.

So, yes, there’s a lot of reasons why I love the game, but this time, this year, this March Madness, I’ve been cherishing how it connects me to my dad’s spirit.

And that’s the thing, right? Doing the activities, carrying on the traditions (that still feel aligned), pulling out the heirlooms, telling the stories long after our loved ones are gone from this physical plane in order to feel them with us, to keep their memory alive, to hold us in the grief of missing them. 

So here’s a gentle reminder to do the things and tell the stories that keep you close to your people. 

(and if you feel open to sharing a story of your own, I’d love to hear!)

JOURNAL PROMPTS:
-Who or what are you missing these days?

-The spring is here! What is your heart yearning for?
 
-What are you being invited to explore, expand, and evolve?

-How is the energy of the spring growing season beckoning you out of your winter reflection season?

THEME SONG FOR THE WOMEN’S NCAA TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR (an oldie but a goodie): I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston on Spotify

I Wanna Dance with Somebody by Whitney Houston on YouTube

Feeling the Feels + Pockets of Rest

With the full moon this week, I read this excerpt from my moon planner by Sarah Faith Gottesdiener and felt a full body YES: 

“There is a larger message for the collective around nervous system stewarding and healing. Move out of the story and into sensation and the body. Make space to emote, express, shake, and move the energy out of your system. Bonus points if you do so in a way that you were taught to repress. Whatever you weren’t “allowed” to be or do: messy, loud, joyful, out of control, or angry might be excellent expressions to experience. Let it all out.” -Sarah Faith Gottesdiener

This is exactly the invitation I offer in breathwork.

Sarah probably wrote this sometime last year and while it was true then, it feels so on point for now. I won’t list out all the horrific and tragic and heartbreaking things that are happening daily for us and the world because it’s already right there on our phones and TVs.

What I will say is how grateful I am to all the folks who showed up and contributed their heartbeats and breaths to community healing with me recently.

Like one of my other favorite writers, Andrea Gibson, said, “let your heart break so your spirit doesn’t.”

February was a month of group work for me. From my public community groups at Conscious Alchemy to private circles who invited me to be with their people. From a small private group of three to a mutual aid fundraiser of fifty, we allowed space for us to be with our humanity. Each group adds its own magic, wisdom, perspective, humor, and generosity to the experience and, WOW, what a gift to let it ALL out.

And it's taking the moments of care and rest in between the action and activism that’s essential. 

Speaking of rest, I’ve been thinking a lot about what that means and looks like! How do we stay grounded during these times? How do we tend to ourselves so we can still show up long term for the world we want to build? I found post from @brightblackcandle on Instagram helpful: 

My word of the year this year is GENTLE and I’m wanting to build, create, live, and act from a place that also gently cares for myself. So this list of micro moments of rest feels inspiring, especially when life is full and busy.

Here are a few things I’m also doing, in case one resonates with you:

-snugs, playtime, and walks with my furs. They are such lovers!

-keeping my favorite snacks and treats on hand so my body feels cared for

-rereading fiction books at night before bed because my brain likes the predictably

-receiving bodywork

-lifting weights 2-3x a week to channel anger

-Bricking my phone for extended social media breaks (more on this in another post!)

-coffee dates for real life connection

-watching women’s basketball for doses of joy

-keeping daily tiny promises to myself: taking my creatine, getting my steps in, journaling/pulling tarot cards, a few minutes of breathwork

It’s not always easy or comfortable or convenient to make space for the feels, sensations, and our body’s pace.

So, if my word of the year inspires you this full moon, let’s go together gently, shall we?

JOURNAL PROMPTS: 

-In honor of the full moon, what’s making my life feel full and alive right now in the best way?

-What small actions of rest feel doable and sweet for my body, mind, heart?

-In what spaces and with what people can I allow myself to have the full expression of who I am and what I’m going through right now? 

SONG FOR BEING HUMAN: Human by Brandi Carlile on Spotify

Human by Brandi Carlile on YouTube