Broken Open

I couldn't help myself and I wrote another piece about the journey I went on during a Breathwork workshop I took on Friday (I foresee a future anthology chronicling my healing adventure with Breathwork!).  I share this because I want to show up in a vulnerable, honest, authentic way.  I am here for you, just as you, in reading this, are being a witness for me  We are in this together and I am evermore grateful for that.  

on my blanket
taking up my spot
in the dark room
my monthly therapy session
with a community of seeking people
as a groupie of Erin's
and her ability to hold nurturing sacred space

even as we practiced the breathing
before we began
my body started to tingle
goosebumps in anticipation
of the deep soul work to follow

belly, heart, open mouth
with oils helping centers swirling
belly, heart, open mouth
we began our descent 
into our being
as one
belly, heart, open mouth

it began fast this time
a few moments into the breathing
tightness in the solar plexus 
and a breaking open of the heart
as a cry broke forth from my lips
and hot tears streamed out of my eyes

not much thinking this time
a few sensations in my body
visions in my mind's eye
and a breaking open of the heart
as the breath moved from 
belly, heart, open mouth

first flashed images of my puppy
and my heart broke open with love
for his adorable playful sweetness

second flashed images of my man
and my heart broke open with sadness
for the distance in miles between us

third flashed images of my dad
and my heart broke open with grief
for the stolen time cancer took from my grasp
and in between moments of breathing
belly, heart, open mouth
I sobbed
and sobbed
and sobbed 
belly, heart, open mouth
I wept
and wept 
and wept

belly, heart, open mouth
for the little girl who had lost her daddy
and for her sensitive body 
not knowing how to handle such pain
belly, heart, open mouth
for the grown woman who still grieved
and for her sensitive body
finding healing in the allowing of such pain

images of hospital gowns
sterile hallways
and the losing of red, curly hair
memories of his grin
sparkling blue-eyes
and the thinning chemo body
visions of his healthy years
comforting bear-hugs
and the fading sound of his voice
flushed through my consciousness 
as I breathed and cried and wailed
quietly, deeply, loudly, simply
belly, heart, open mouth

and then my energy started to feel lighter
the music changed
dear prudence by the beatles
the band who reminds me of my dad
"the sun is up, the sky is blue
it's beautiful and so are you"

and I grinned
and laughed
and cried happy, joyful tears

for the good times
and the blessings
of having such a loving father
even for a short time
feeling him there with me in the room
wrapping me in a warm blanket of love
and holding my hands
as my heart broke open with gratitude
with the realization

that he isn't actually gone
but is with me all the time
in my cells
in the color of my eyes and hair
in my broken-open-for-more-love heart


Image: *Astor Place* by artist E Falco

Image: *Astor Place* by artist E Falco

as we returned to normal breathing
peace filled me
and gratitude for the space
and the place
and the time
and the safety
of the nurturing nest of breathers and healers 
to mourn
to express
as loudly or as quietly as I needed to
feeling all the feels 
that had been stuck inside
as my inner guidance
gently inspired me to hold space
for the same in you
grief circles
a new calling 
a new healing
using breath
to open our hearts for more love