In my Esoteric Energy Healing training, we discussed how 90%-ish of all dis-ease manifests first in the emotional body. When not addressed or allowed to be in motion, the point of stress from the emotions can then appear in a physical way, creating illness in the physical body.
I can say that while I was probably predisposed genetically for diabetes, the trigger was most definitely emotional.
And one of the pieces that has been missing in my health care for my diabetes is the unresolved, unacknowledged, unreleased of emotions that effects how I take care of my body. My tendency all these years has been to just AVOID. Diabetes? No big deal. I’m handling this just fine. I would read articles or posts by other diabetics who would talk a lot about their fear of going to sleep at night or how aware they are of living on that delicate balance between life and death. And I would think: whew! I’m so glad I’ve never had to worry about that fear. To me, it’s really no big deal. I’m handling this just fine.
Avoidance (and denial) in its purest form, my friends.
Until I approached myself with courageous honesty and with the empowering breath. In a room by myself, I spoke out loud my fears around my diabetes… I fear low blood sugars. I fear high blood sugars. I fear that I won’t have enough supplies or insulin. I fear going to the doctor. Every time I go to the pharmacy, I brace myself in fear that something will go wrong and they’ll tell me I can’t have my medicine. Due to my notorious avoiding behavior around my diabetes (not only my emotions), I usually allow my supplies to get low and then find myself in a rush or a bind to get the things I need quick. I never stock up. Never have a plethora amount of what I need as back up (partially due to the fact that they are expensive and I’ve lived a good amount of my diabetic life uninsured – but that’s another story).
So when I started to breathe (belly heart open mouth), I chose to shine a light on my shadows rather than hide them in denial. And I was surprised to hear myself affirm out loud to myself as the tears started to rise up: I have diabetes, but I am not a bad person.
As I continued to breathe into this new awareness, I realized that deep down hidden somewhere in my psyche, I felt like having diabetes made me a bad person. I must’ve caused myself to have this disease by eating too much sugar and overloading my body when it was sensitive after experiencing a huge emotional trauma. Every time I go into the doctor I brace myself for a lecture because I’m a bad person. I avoid checking my blood sugar because if it’s high, I’m a bad person. There isn’t enough to go around, so I don’t get to have any because I’m a bad person (this scarcity mindset has got to go!). In an unconscious (and cruel, bizarre) way, I’ve been punishing myself by not doing what I need to do to take care of my disease. How insane and bogus is this?! Let’s clear that shit out right now.
And so I did. Belly heart open mouth, I saw myself as that young, sensitive, scared 14 year old with the IV in the cold hospital bed and I loved her up. I saw that young, sensitive 12 year old with the hole in her heart and the belief that the sweetness of life was gone because her dad died. And I loved her up too. I called back the sweetness of life. I called back self love. I called back the desire and innate belief of being taken care of by the Universe. I breathed into the pain and injustice of “it’s not fair” that I was holding in my liver. I breathed into my innocent and abused pancreas. And with the breath, I opened myself to the Divine as I allowed the golden light of my higher self to flood my entire body. And I felt that warmth, that heat, that goodness from the crown of my head all the way down to the tips of my toes. I am not a bad person. I am a human person. I make mistakes and have fears and shadows, but I’m also here to spread light and goodness and healing, with the abundant spirit of the universe by my side.
And guess what….. since that breathing session, my blood sugars have been amazing! It seems that I’ve taken the emotional charge out of the numbers, so I’m more likely to check them. Some of the fear is gone, so I’m comfortable with letting them be in a lower range. But ultimately I like to think that I’ve finally given my body permission to heal itself because, dammit, I am a good person and I am ready to love ALL of myself.
Point to ponder: Is there an area of your life where you’ve been unconsciously (or consciously!) been punishing yourself? Where has fear been keeping you stuck? Are you ready and willing to face this fear in order to set yourself free?? It's new moon time, so the perfect opportunity to set intentions for your freedom and healing is now. You are worth it!
If you’ve been following along on my journey, you probably know I can’t say enough amazing things about the power of breathwork. If you are interested to see how this modality can transform you’re life, I’d be honored to be that guide and witness for you. I’m offering group circles for those who live in NYC and am available for private sessions in person or via Skype (thank you technology!).
You can also get MP3s with my teacher David Elliott at his website here if you want to start your own at-home daily practice.