Over the weekend, I led a private circle for some dear friends I met when I was working as a nanny. I am so honored that our friendship is growing beyond our roles as fellow caregivers and deeper into sisterhood.
The beautiful thing about sharing in a circle is when you say things out loud discoveries come to you. This last circle, as I was sharing about what I'd like my sisters to hold in sacred space for me, I realized I have a fear of success. For MONTHS, I've been holding the wish to have a vibrant and thriving healing practice. But when it comes right down to it, I am terrified of what that actually means. Will I be able to handle it when business starts booming? Can I commit to my work and my purpose? If I become more successful will there still be room for mistakes and failure?
Which reminds me of the Marianne Williamson quote I've posted before about fearing our own power and capabilities for greatness:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." -Marianne Williamson
So in these past couple days following this circle and realization, I reflected on this idea. What does success look like? And, perhaps more importantly, what does success FEEL like in my body? As I visualized myself accepting payment for the work that I do (something I've been struggling with) I could feel my body's initial response to tighten up. Particularly in my pelvis. A bracing and holding of my muscles. Tension in my womb center as if to put up a protective barrier. Huh. Well that's not very conducive to receiving, now is it? So, I visualized this image again, but with the conscious effort to soften my pelvic muscles. To open my womb and ground my root into my seat, feeling my feet on the ground, and breathing into my connection to the earth. Ahhhhh! Now THAT feels good. Empowering. Trusting. Stable. Gracious receiving. Ease and flow. I want to create (and receive and celebrate) success from this place. I know this will take some mindful practice, but I am encouraged by the insights my body has for me.
Moving forward, I can approach my action steps for my healing practice from a place of understanding, authenticity, and gentleness instead of unknowingly self-sabotaging myself because of a hidden deep fear. There can be a time and a place for bracing, barriers, and protection. But in this particular case, I can feel the fear and keep moving forward despite it by breathing and softening with my feminine energy and then tapping into my masculine energy to put things in place that help me feel supported. Because I'd much rather do the work I love from a place of ease and balance.
How about you? What does success look and feel like for you? Where in your life are you unconsciously blocking your ability to be your best, most successful self?