Birthday Blog: Rebirth Reflections

“a state of being,
allowing
receiving
becoming one,
with all that is.”

— Richard Cohn

Love lights,

Sunday was my birthday….one of my favorite days out of the whole year.  Last year, I gifted myself a healing session with an intuitive healer and, with her holding space for me, I celebrated my "rebirth".

Looking back to my journal of that day near the end of 2013, I set the intention to honor my inner wise woman, to step into (and explore) my divine feminine energy, and to hold the mantra that "my too much is just enough". Hell YES!  I can see all of those things manifesting in my life now in such beautiful ways. 

And what an incredible ride this year has been!!  There have been some exhilarating highs and deep lows.  I have faced my sorrows and fears while embracing my joys and dreams.  I struggled with playing the role of the victim while wracked with worry when there were only a few cents in my bank account.  I surrendered to Kali, the goddess of endings and beginnings, as she guided me through a death experience where I shed a part of self (a story to be shared in another blog post).  I called upon my high priestess energy to empower myself with creativity, strength, and inner knowing. 

I have witnessed dark and light. And I am here to proclaim the sweet song of self love and the beauty of every breath!  

I want to take a moment to honor the place healing and circles have been in my life over this past year.  One reason I find healing work so important is because a single session can give an experience that reverberates into all areas of life beyond the hour or two the session lasts for.  And the ripple effect touches other people beyond self. I love the saying that when you heal yourself you also heal the world.  And taking time each month to go inward and set intentions for myself has been invaluable as I work towards living a soul centered and at home in my body. 

In the next year of my life, I look forward to and am grateful for the opportunity to continue offering the service of intuitive health coaching and energy healing sessions, women's circles, and workshops.  Sessions combine my knowledge of nutrition with the intuitive information received directly from your body.  Circles provide space for you to show up to be seen, heard, and loved exactly as you are.  Big changes and subtle shifts occur with this kind of work and I am so honored to hold this space for you. 

This year for my birthday, I was feeling frantic and stressed about trying to go to all the glorious healing and holiday events that were happening on my day.  But upon waking, the wisdom of my aging self told me to RELAX, slow down, and just simply enjoy.  There is a healing that happens in the quiet and deep connection with self and soul mates.  So, I spent time just "being", "allowing", and "receiving".  Soaking in the joy of every tiny experience and spending it soulfully and with presence with people I love.   When asked if I have a prediction for the year ahead and what I'm excited for, I decided to hold the intention of abundance and receiving. And I am excited to do work that I love. 

If you feel in the stirrings of your heart that you are being called to this type of offering, let's work together. I would be honored to connect with you soulfully in my next abundant year around the sun! 

Love and a whole lot of light to you!

Circle Discovery

The light of this lantern held me in a soft sacred glow as I practiced the art of receiving through reiki and acupuncture. #bliss #cominghometoself

Over the weekend, I led a private circle for some dear friends I met when I was working as a nanny.  I am so honored that our friendship is growing beyond our roles as fellow caregivers and deeper into sisterhood.

The beautiful thing about sharing in a circle is when you say things out loud discoveries come to you.  This last circle, as I was sharing about what I'd like my sisters to hold in sacred space for me, I realized I have a fear of success.  For MONTHS, I've been holding the wish to have a vibrant and thriving healing practice.  But when it comes right down to it, I am terrified of what that actually means.  Will I be able to handle it when business starts booming?  Can I commit to my work and my purpose?  If I become more successful will there still be room for mistakes and failure?  

Which reminds me of the Marianne Williamson quote I've posted before about fearing our own power and capabilities for greatness:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." -Marianne Williamson

So in these past couple days following this circle and realization, I reflected on this idea.  What does success look like?  And, perhaps more importantly, what does success FEEL like in my body?  As I visualized myself accepting payment for the work that I do (something I've been struggling with) I could feel my body's initial response to tighten up.  Particularly in my pelvis.  A bracing and holding of my muscles.  Tension in my womb center as if to put up a protective barrier.  Huh. Well that's not very conducive to receiving, now is it?  So, I visualized this image again, but with the conscious effort to soften my pelvic muscles.  To open my womb and ground my root into my seat, feeling my feet on the ground, and breathing into my connection to the earth.  Ahhhhh!  Now THAT feels good.  Empowering.  Trusting.  Stable.  Gracious receiving.  Ease and flow.  I want to create (and receive and celebrate) success from this place.  I know this will take some mindful practice, but I am encouraged by the insights my body has for me.

Moving forward, I can approach my action steps for my healing practice from a place of understanding, authenticity, and gentleness instead of unknowingly self-sabotaging myself because of a hidden deep fear.  There can be a time and a place for bracing, barriers, and protection.  But in this particular case, I can feel the fear and keep moving forward despite it by breathing and softening with my feminine energy and then tapping into my masculine energy to put things in place that help me feel supported.  Because I'd much rather do the work I love from a place of ease and balance.

How about you?  What does success look and feel like for you?  Where in your life are you unconsciously blocking your ability to be your best, most successful self?

Proud of My Bust

I was recently reading about the body in a book called Wild Feminine by Tami Lynn Kent while on a long subway ride and this quote struck a resonance with my core so strongly:

"One of the most challenging aspects of wounds associated with the most intimate place in the female body is the silence, secrecy, shame, or isolation that tends to trap energy.  The process of witnessing the truth of these wounds, of acknowledging the pain, of being seen and heard by another person, allows it to begin to move."

Reading that immediately transported me back to a gym in middle school where I had been picked to play in multiple rounds of some sort of game.  I don't even remember the logistics of the game or the specific details of what was happening, but I remember feeling proud that my other classmates kept choosing me to play on their team and I was giving it my all, because it was fun.  Then at some point, my playing time was up and I went to sit on the sidelines and one of the girls in my class leaned over to tell me that the reason I was being picked so much was because the boys wanted to watch my chest bounce.  I wasn't wearing a sports bra for gym class and the newest source of entertainment, apparently, was my unsupported bust as I was running around the gym.  Ouch.

Ooooo ooooooouch.   

I can still feel the flush of embarrassment and horror and disappointment and hurt that welled up in me on that day, as I still feel that lingering pain in my heart as I write this.  It is surprising the memories that bubble up from the body that we thought we had forgotten.  This is a wound I have held for so long and have not ever told a single soul.  

Until now.  

"When a wound is witnessed, it's energy begins to change."

I would like to change the energy of this wound.  Being blessed with a large bosom, I have had some posture issues over the years.  As I've been building my back muscles up through weight-training (as well as my boobs getting smaller with my weightloss), it is easier for me to stand up straight.  And as I have been doing emotional healing work, it is easier for me to stand more open.  I realized that my hunched shoulders were not only due to the weakness of my back and the weight of my breasts, but also because I was hiding my body and shielding my heart.   

"The wounds related to your womanhood define you only if they prevent you from owning and accessing the vibrant energy of your core.  You cannot change what happened to you, but you can change the way it impacts the root of your body."

The morning meditation I did on the morning before I read this book passage and had this memory flood into my consciousness was on forgiveness.  It was powerful to visualize the release of negative energy that bonded me to people of my past who I needed to forgive, but I was struck most by the potency of forgiving myself.  So I would like to place forgiveness here in this space of witness to my womanhood….

…I forgive the pubescent adolescents who didn't have the understanding and know-how to respect a woman's body or express their own sexuality.

…I forgive the fellow girls who didn't know how to stand up for a fellow sister and whose words, perhaps meaning to console, confide, or cut down, hurt deep.

…I forgive a world where the feminine has been devalued and parts of a woman's body have been objectified.  

…and I forgive myself.  For carrying the shame and the painful memory for so long and for allowing it to effect the love of my body  and giving me certain insecurities for a long time.  

I forgive.  And I send love and light as I release it, because it no longer serves me.

And moving forward, I reclaim my bust!  I vow to honor this voluptuous and sacred part of my body.  Perhaps someday I will be able to generously nourish my children or offer a soft place to console a resting head.  My breasts connect me to my divine feminine energy, my sensuality, and my instinctive earthy nurturing nature.  

Thank you, dear community, for being my witness.  

And as I share this vulnerability with you, please know that I also hold space for the wounds that you still carry, as I know we all have them no matter what gender we are or identify with.  I invite you, if you are ready to go there, to reflect on the parts of your body you'd like to reclaim.  Are there places that hold shame, guilt, pain?  Are there specific memories that come up for you when you tap into these parts of your body?  Is there a close friend, mentor, coach, or healer you can share the memories with who will hold you in loving support?  I am here for you.  I am here to hold space for you in this exploration and reclaiming.  Please reach out to me if I can be that support for you.

PS.  If any of you ladies are also looking for some literal support for your bust, Kim Caldwell of Hurray Kimmay is a generous, humorous, heart-centered wealth of information about bras, lingerie, and everything "underneath".  It's on my list of intentions for 2015 to tap into her glorious knowledge to support my girls!

Quest for Zest

Sunday this past week was a dark day for me.  Despite being around beautiful people in a healing space, I found myself slipping into worry, anxiety, and victimhood.  Why is my life a mess?!  How am I ever going to make it?!  Am I doing what I'm supposed to be doing??  Have I made a wrong choice or a wrong turn?  I should just lay down in my bed and give up!  Chatter, chatter, so much negative mind chatter!

On the subway ride home, I allowed myself to fully lean into and wallow in my self-pity, wounded-heart state.  I put on some music to fit the mood, popped in my earbuds, and fully FELT my despair in the middle of a crowded public subway car.  When I got home, I was reminded, as I cooked myself up some grub, that when I don't take care of my body by getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, and moving my body to get out of my damn head, I feel depleted, apathetic, and negative.  (I wonder how many times I will have to fall into that hole before I remember that lesson…)

Later that night, I was gifted an uplifting conversation with my brother about his new mindset mantra, which provided a shift for me.  He was sharing that when he got off the subway earlier that day after being engrossed in a fiction book, he had felt like he had not actually been on the subway, but had instead traveled miles away to a different and new time and place.  He felt alive and reinvigorated as he he approached the rest of his day!  And he wondered how he could carry this sense of aliveness and adventure into his current reality.  He decided to engage in a quest for zest!

So….. Monday morning brought my bounce back to my step.  I woke up with a new lightness and optimism that a good night's rest and a fresh mindset brings.  The search for zest.  Feeling the pavement under my feet.  Appreciating the fresh breeze caressing my cheek.  The joy of finding a bright penny on the sidewalk.  The glee from imagining my high priestess crown glittering on the top of my head when skipping past my reflection in a shop window.  Walking the puppy in the rain while belting out Christmas tunes in a Gene Kelly-esque way.  Strolling through a bundle of fir trees for sale and taking a deep inhale of glorious pine scent.  Simple pleasures that make life feel alive.  Feel zesty.

And with that I've decided this December I am going to invite myself (and you!) to find the zest in the every day experiences.  Especially the kind of zest that exists in self care and tender-heartedness.  Like crawling into comfy, warm sheets early because I'm tired.  Or taking a moment to sit in meditation because it brings me out of my worrying head and into my intuitive body.  It seems very synchronistic that the very day (December 1st!) I engaged in this quest, I also saw the 31 day challenge to #finishwithheart2014 on Instagram, inspiring me to not let the last month of the year fall away, but to really seize the time I have and finish out strong.  With heart. Yes.  Yes, oh yes.  Let's do this!

Love, light, heart, and zest to you!